Yeah... OK. This is... uhm. WHAT???

Apparently, Facebook perverts really ARE everywhere. I just didn't know I'd meet two of them in two days.

Actually this didn't happen to me. It happened to a very good friend of mine. Today. One day after my experience from yesterday. There's something seriously wrong with the world. Or men. Not sure which.

So a schoolmate of ours (whom I really don't know that well) writes to my friend on Facebook. His opening line is one of those really charming ones. One of those that after reading it, you start thinking about the guy in a way you never thought about him before. One of those really, really romantic ones.

"Do you want me to send you a photo of my penis?"

She doesn't know what to reply for a while. No surprise there. I would have been equally shocked. So then she goes:

"Isn't it too early for that kind of stuff? And anyway, what's in it for you?"

"I guess I just like doing stuff like that for some reason."

"Why would you want to send it to me??"

"Because I love you, you know."

"Send me some flowers then."

He doesn't send her flowers. Instead, he actually sends her a picture of his penis. Erect and everything. You know. Sexy.

Then he asks her: "What now?" She says she doesn't know. 

And then we contemplate suicide. 

...

Someone please tell me that this is just a horrible coincidence. I don't want to get penis slapped on the street tomorrow.

Facebook perverts... They're everywhere!

A normal Monday afternoon. Trying to write an essay for my Women in Fiction class. I go on Facebook, procrastinate a little bit, clean the entire flat, you know how it works.

Then my Facebook tells me I have a new message. It's from this guy that I ran into last week, hadn't seen him for like three years before that, we said hi, talked a little, he told me how he's living with his girlfriend and we parted ways thinking "yeah, nice to see him/her".

So he sends me a message. The conversation goes like this:

He: "Hi. Let's write dirty stuff to each other :D"
Me: ":D :D i can't, i'm writing an essay."
He: "if i didn't have a girlfriend i'd tell you i'd fuck you when you finish writing haha"
Me: ":D yeah well what can you do :D"
He: "OK, i'm gonna go watch porn or something"
Me: "yeah, ok, sounds like a good plan :D"
He: "you want me to send you something? :D"
Me: ":D not really, no, I prefer to choose my porn myself :D"
He: *sends me a link to a porn video*
Me: "ok, yeah, that's nice :D i'm gonna go write the essay now :D"
He: "skype?"
Me: "no, i really don't have time plus my webcam doesn't work anyway"
He: "that's ok, you can just watch what i'll be doing and then you can... relax... and finish your essay. what's your skype nick?"
Me: *i tell him my Skype nick* but i really don't think this is a good idea :D"

He calls me on Skype. The webcam is pointed at his crotch. He starts doing stuff. I burst out laughing and tell him that I REALLY don't want to do this. I ask him what his girlfriend would say. He says I'm too much of a moralist. I say bye and hang up.

SERIOUSLY?

What the fuck is wrong with the Universe? I guess it's trying to send me a message. "STOP SLEEPING WITH PEOPLE! THE PERVERTS HAVE YOU ON THEIR LIST NOW!" Well, thank you, Universe. You've made your point.

I'm gonna go kill myself now.

Quelle naïveté...

Right. So. I'm a classic naive idiot. I thought I'd met someone I could actually be happy with. Hahahaha.

He's clever. And funny. And cute. And he has a great taste in music. And movies. And books. And he likes to go to the cinema on his own because this way he can enjoy the film more. Which is something I do too. And he smells nice. And he drinks too much but hey, who am I to judge, I can't remember when was the last time I went to bed sober. And he's a horrible dancer but he loves dancing and he always looks so happy. And he prefers the Syd Barrett era Pink Floyd. And he has actually SEEN Harold and Maude. And he makes you a nice breakfast and tea and everything. Oh, and he works with little children.

So, yeah, basically, I was half in love with him already.

Then he made a move on my best friend (who's just moved in with her boyfriend of two years).

What doesn't kill you makes you want to kill yourself

Once upon a time there were two desperate (and also very pretty but no one tells them) girls sitting in a pub and sipping wine. And they decided to share their wisdom with the world. I don't know what it is with the Universe but it seems to be more hostile towards us than other people. Like, seriously, why does everyone else keep getting laid?? We thought we were pretty and obviously, this is the Universe's way of telling us "yeah, lol, you wish". So, instead of getting laid, we've decided to filter our frustration by writing a blog about our MASSIVE misadventures.

This blog should really be called "Two white middle-class girls and their first-world problems".
*sigh*

Also, we should be studying instead of yapping about nonsense on the internet but what better is there to do than spend your time doing something completely useless? And we're horrible when it comes to writing stuff. So, basically... what was it I was going to say? (See?)

We should get T-shirts! With a picture of two lame superheros who fuck up every time someone calls them to save the world. Cause that's how we roll. Yeeeah.

Now. Instead of imagining two sophisticated young ladies (not that it is what you were imagining anyway), imagine us in pajamas sitting on a couch in a messy room passing the keyboard and trying to figure out how to start this...thing...that will.. you know.. bring us eternal fame.

Hah.
Who are we kidding.

If you're reading this, you're probably one of our kind (or you're one of the two of us, which makes it even sadder, and get off the internet right now!). In that case, WELCOME! Make yourself at home.
It'll be a bumpy ride.