In the past few months I've learned quite a lot about the twisted ways of the Universe. Either someone up there is making fun of me or the world really is a very, very dangerous place. Dangerous to your sanity, that is. So let me tell you a little story of how I first came to thinking that there must be something wrong with... well... everything.
A few months ago, I felt like I needed to go out with someone. Just to have a little fling, you know, nothing serious. Just to have someone to look forward to. Someone to text to at 4 am when you're drunk. And then wait for their reply with that nice nervousity that we all know, you know, the butterflies in your stomach, blahblahblah.
So a friend of mine (whom I dated briefly like five years ago) sets me up on a date with his friend. You'll like him, he says. He's really clever, he says. He's started going to the gym and he looks amazing, he says. So I say yeah. Let's do this.
First, I see him in a group of people. We talk a little, we have quite a good time. He's not exactly what I had in mind but eh, whatever. He's nice enough. He takes my number and my Facebook name and after a few days he sends me a message, asking me for a date. Quite an original and funny one, too, so I get excited and start to really look forward to it.
He takes me to an abandoned arboretum in the middle of the city (I had no idea we had something like that here) and apart from the fact that it's freezing, we have a really nice time. We walk, look at the trees and the stars and it's all very romantic. I talk a little, he talks a lot, I listen, he talks, we walk, I start getting cold and then we finally get out of the really romantic fucking arboretum and we go to a tearoom. (Yeah, he's that kind of guy. The minute he said "tearoom" I died a little inside. They don't serve wine, those bastards.)
In the tearoom, he talks some more. And one of the things he says is particularly interesting. He just casually drops it into conversation, just as if he was telling me what kind of tea he prefers. The thing he says is this: "I like to go to bus stops and start peeing in front of people. It's fun."
So I start laughing, partly because I hope he's kidding and partly because I can't wait to tell my friends about it. Turns out, he's not kidding. He also has a friend who likes to strip down, call the police and then make a pee circle around him and tell the policemen they can't cross it because of his religious beliefs. (They're both university students. "My guy" studies psychology. Pee circle guy is going to be a lawyer.) So then I say I have to go. He doesn't even pay for my fucking tea. I guess I should be glad he didn't pee in it.
I kind of think that the guy that set this up wanted some kind of revenge. I don't know. But since that day I've been on the watch. The world is full of dangerous, dangerous people. Trust me.
